so, this is the new year and i don't feel any different...

what a PERFECT start to 2009.

Israel declaring an "all out war" on Gaza
..it's terrible, the bombings of government buildings and civilians, killing hundreds of people. why? i'd say "free palestine", but picking a side in this issue seems like playing with a double edged sword. dangerous and pointless.

erm, almost heartbroken-ness.
resolution 1: stop facebook stalking, sometimes you will stumble upon things you really shouldn't see.
you know that sinking feeling inside of your body that is the unwelcome presence of a broken heart?

it's almost 7 am. i have yet to sleep, mascara running down my face, and a bubbling stomach, the result of settling alcohol.
i'm lying here between my bed frame without a mattress contemplating the good that came with the year 2008, what did i accomplish? how have i grown? changed?
I can't think of one single thing...
i'm weary of leading a life unlived. I always swore I would live life to the fullest, "carpe diem", leave no rock unturned, no cave unsearched?

apparently i'm failing? wait, no not apparently, I am failing. i have everything i could ever want or need, a good family, wealth, health, a level of physical decency, intelligence, talent.. yet i'm wasting it all.. but what for? days of sitting on the futon watching house, pining, and eating cheese.


making resolutions is so difficult for me, but i can try to implement change based on all that happened this past year...

Stop missing life changing moments. resolution 2: go for what I want in life, don't let the ever so controlling emotion of fear get in my way...

*january 1st 2009*

... my first full day in the year of 2009 filled with pitifulness. My feet are in deathly pain from 2 straight days of walking in 4 inch heels, I woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, i got drunk at my parents dinner party off green apple martinis, and I ended the day with a a bang by viewing my startlingly similar looking competition...

...really heartbreaking.
but, all or nothing at all. why waste time crying for something that might have been? yea i'm invested, but half of anything never appealed to me.

but fuck that, it's 2009, a new year with new resolutions, resolution 3: stop drinking so damn much, and new experiences. I don't want another meaningless 2008, i want to find love, i want to get sexy fit, i want to do well in school, i want to find direction...

i want to develop kalyah as kalyah was made to be.