you'd be so easy to idolize, all others above.

i'm a year older and none the wiser...

but, i had a fantastic hallows-een. One that made me realize i'm not crazy and that there are people out there that could be "easy to love".
not to be so cliche, but I don't want to forget that.
now i can't think about anything else, ughh my over-thinking brilliant mind.


<< "Let's Begin. by Ella

story of my right now.


from a letter by zelda fitzgerald.

"I spent to-day in the grave-yard-- It really isn't a cemetery, you know, trying to unlock a rusty iron vault built in the side of the hill. It's all washed and covered with weepy, watery blue flowers that might have grown from dead eyes--sticky to touch with a sickening odor . . . Why should graves make people feel in vain? I've heard so much . . . but somehow I can't find anything hopeless in having lived-- All the broken columns and clasped hands and doves and angels mean romances-- and in a hundred years I think I shall like having young people speculate on whether my eyes were brown or blue . . . I hope my grave has an air of many, many years ago about it-- Isn't it funny how, out of a row of Confederate soldiers, two or three will make you think of dead lovers and dead loves-- when they're exactly like the others, even to the yellowish moss?"
--from a letter by Zelda Fitzgerald


to study abroad, or not to study abroad.

shit, i wish I was turning this blog into a "my adventures on mars, and china" study abroad blog.

instead my themes of complaint and unfortunate luck will remain.

happy travels mes amies!


...Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?

My eye hurts a lot.
I need something to do, so I thought I'd tell the world how much my eye hurts.
I really need to drop this Amish approach to medicine, buck up and go to a doctor before I go blind. Sleep and time are not diminishing the effects of my swelling and I feel like that's extremely problematic.

I am all upset over harry potter, I can't stop reading reviews about the movie because I am in awe about how terrible It was. THEY LEFT OUT SO MUCH, AND THEN THEY ADDED IN STUFF. these movies were not made as a mode of artistic expression, they were not "inspired by". It should have been like the book. instead it was some spark notes summary a 5th grader would use to write her paragraph-long paper on a 700 page book. It was appalling. The only decency from the film laid in its cinematography, and even that was only slightly impressive. I am ill at this notion, because I have been anticipating this movie release for a couple years now.
What happened to background? pretense? setting? plot? theme? ARTISTIC INTEGRITY? hmmm? all lost within this PG movie by a director who OBVIOUSLY didn't read the book, a quick scan, or like I said spark noted it. Actually, David Yates probably approached J.K. Rowling and said "so forget all that fluff, this book is way too long...what are you REALLY trying to get at here, try and tell me in 5 words or less". Maybe that's a slight exaggeration. and the music, WHERE WAS THE MUSIC, I didn't get blown away by John Williams, only because there was no John Williams in there, it was Nicholas Hopper? oh lawds.
It was a movie seemingly made for kids, but my generation was the first to adopt Harry Potter, we should not be shafted and let down just so they can make a movie that will gross more revenue. GAHHHHHHHHHHHH. so disappointed.

rant over.



The Man I Love

Someday he'll come along, The man I love
And he'll be big and strong, The man I love
And when he comes my way
I'll do my best to make him stay

He'll look at me and smile, I'll understand
Then in a little while, He'll take my hand
And though it seems absurd
I know we both won't say a word

Maybe I shall meet him Sunday,
Maybe Monday, maybe not
Still I'm sure to meet him one day
Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day

He'll build a little home, That's meant for two
From which I'll never roam, Who would, would you
And so all else above
I'm dreaming of the man I love

--Billie Holiday.


there's no excuse for any disguise

i got a stone, where my heart used to be.

but i love, love.
wish i had it, but i'll wait around till i find it.


तेरे'स नोथिंग इन थिस हार्ट बुत में.

"there's nothing in this heart but me"

I've never felt more alone... and that scares the hell out of me.


सुम्मेर म्यूजिक ओब्सेस्सिओं.

uhhh, is that farsi?

coleman hawkins-the hawk in paris.
april in paris, is probably the most beautiful song i've ever heard.

stars-set yourself on fire

duke ellington and ella fitzgerald- ella at duke's place.
this needs no explanation

regina spektor-far
her new cd, it's absolutely captivating.
clever yet light.

yeah yeah yeahs-it's blitz. great summer music.



someone watches too much tv.


it's in the eyes.
The fear of this "force" that could ruin the safety and general state of America.


true, heroes is a tv show, and mcCarthyism actually happened, but maybe it was a veiled attempt at showing the terror that is control-ism (influenced by the red scare).

: Attempt at getting rid of all these Soviet spies that supposedly infiltrated American borders, literally and figuratively, (the government). Accusing people of being communists,and in turn ruining their lives, ugh hoover.

Attempt at getting rid of all these heroes that could supposedly ruin America and put everyone in danger. He accused people of being villains, even if all they could do was breathe under water. He attempted to gather them all up and put them in internment type camps, in turn ruining their lives completely.

man Heroes is legit.

Am i the ONLY one that sees the similarities?

p.s. am i the only person in the world that loves Chicago...the band?


"that vest of his is so loud, he wouldn't be able to hear me screaming"


best wedding invitation EVER, ohhh crazy romance

The sweetest.

//dangerously manifested curiosity.

I study cultures, their vast differences and even more vast similarities. The way cultures approach the world, how they view it, handle it, cope within it. I study people and the way this man-made environment shape and change their lives.

So it's only natural that I would love to see where the breaches of technology land me. If you're from India, Russia, Spain, Australia, France, Egypt, anywhere, and you're looking at my blog, I've accomplished my goal; To have my words, thoughts, and opinions on the eyes and minds of anyone outside my own cultural realm.

See, I've learned that any sort of cultural interaction, even one through the internet has the vast power to change a person, to influence them to think about something differently, to see something unlike it was seen before. Though interesting, the fine fine line between cultural preservation and cultural openness treads on a tricky, and near impossible slope... There is no one answer, each situation is unique.

BUT there are two general options: abolish all cultural interconnectedness (globalization, etc.) in order to keep the groups, in for instance, Papua New Guinea practicing their own "occult" religions; or open up our borders, share culture, spread it, eventually resulting in a "cosmopolitan society" where everyone knows everyone's customs, and nothing is no longer considered strange, or foreign. To me, that would make this world lose a lot of its beauty. It goes back to this "fine fine line" we're treading on, the solution-less one.

I really could go on forever, i mean, it's what I have to write a 50+ page thesis on in about a year.

Basically though, I was just trying to explain the new "who.amung.us" app I added. To clarify that it is not to see WHO'S stalking me, not specifics, more or less it's just my general curiosity acting up.
"where in the world is carmen sandiego", we never really know, but we have a general idea.
... plus who did curiosity ever hurt, except for a nameless homogenized cat.
-douche chill.


shine a little light, shine a light on my life. and warm me up again.

what an odd weekend, very different from the norm.

i was 21 last night. had my first bar going experience, with my real ID. I blame stupid bouncers and their lack of worldliness.
no, everywhere doesn't have the same customs, and practices as michigan does.
anyway, it got me 2 long islands, a massive headache and some regretful blurbs.

oh well, c'est la vie.


rolling rock

one beer, and i feel like that homeless chick who tells me i'm pretty and asks me for money to aid her drug habit.

what a world.


put more stock in roses.

A man who loved all, who wore cardigans his mother knitted.

He weighed 143 pounds his whole life, hence his OBSESSION with the number 143. you know those christian folk, all about tradition...

"Mr. Rogers found beauty in the number 143. According to the piece, Rogers came “to see that number as a gift… because, as he says, “the number 143 means ‘I love you.’ It takes one letter to say ‘I’ and four letters to say ‘love’ and three letters to say ‘you.’ One hundred and forty-three.”

Apparently quite a romantic too, i wonder how he was...

you know.



around the world in 80 days

I went around my world in 45 minutes today, HA.
talk about a fulfilling, successful day.

i kicked works ass.
i kicked my ass.
i kicked my exam's ass.
i knocked on my other exam's ass.
i kicked my dishes' ass.
i kicked yoga's ass.

i did a lot more, and went a lot farther than Phileas Fogg ever did in a day.
...for a fictional character, that's saying a lot.


fly me to the moon, please frank?

On Frank Sinatra-

Ava Gardner once said of her ex-husband, "He only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock."

the ways you can love a man, whew!



my sentimental melody, like a long lost lullaby.

I never want to forget these quotes.

*I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong.
-John Lennon.

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh."


don't let the sun go down on me.

I always want more than i have, I'm never satisfied. I'm always striving for more...

what if there's nothing left for me to strive for? how far can i go?

...all i'm doing now is grabbing up, grasping air.


i like to ride bessy.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I found the most perfect bike for me EVER!.

A vintage red Schwinn Breeze, for only 60 dollars.
it's a beaut, and rides like a dream.

I rode her last night at 10,with a nice cool breeze, listening to Andrew Bird, and zooming past all the drunky-s going out on a friday night. i basically glided the entire way to the music building, best ride of my life. (HAHAHa!!)

I now claim ownership of a bike ridden by not only many people before me, but this sweet humanitarian girl who's graduating from MSU and going to teach English in Argentina.

so I must take care of it, i named her bessy. It is the first name that came to mind, and i think it fits! i took some pictures..


where were you during the naming of things?

I keep forgetting I have a blog.

It's really a pity, a crying shame because blogging is truly cathartic.
culminating my thoughts and emotions into one post that the entire world can see is thrilling! and humanizing...

Just took a quiz, for fun and i got Sylvia Plath as my soul sista?? what does this mean for my future? i don't think i'm as morbid as this quiz lets on, but the beginning bit is spot on. I'm a sucker for brilliant men. and come on i'm a pretty classy bitch.

the quiz "Which crazy bitch are you?" with the result Sylvia Plath.
You are one intense bitch. You are almost abnormally introspective but this is where your abundant creativity flows from. You love handsome, brilliant, creative genius types but you pay the price when their egos and lustful ways cause them to betray you. You are a very intelligent, classy lady with a black streak and can be very emotional at times. You do have a bit of a morbid side but your words often lead you to be misunderstood as a dark figure but that is just how you protect your soft mushy insides..

jesus, one of these brilliant boys are going to make me lose my MIND one day.

My university is in the NCAA finals for basketball.
i don't really know what that means for me.
other than gloating rights?

omg, i just said: "it's not like i'll wake up tomorrow and stumble on to my future" in conversation about the prospect of marriage at my ripe age of 20.
//i just realized that really makes no sense out of context, but looking back one day. when i'm bored and am wondering what i was thinking when i was young and free i'll look at this update and burst into exuberant laughter, like, HOHOHOHEHAHO.

oOoOOOHHH oh my, i forgot to say I got an internship with the Michigan Democratic Party, i think i did at least.
i interviewed, then he gave me a tour, and then he introduced me as kalyah, "she'll be interning with us this summer".
I'll be doing communications, MY DREAM! working social networks(facebook, twitter, youtube etc), writing press releases following news threads, and general campaign things.
so wretchedly cool. ungh.

summer in lansing, michigan.
living the dream, yall.



The narrative of my life for the past few weeks have been tough, it has this awful reoccurring theme...
death of all kinds...

mysterious, expected, sudden, and swaying on the line between life and death.

is this a message? do i need to wake up and carpe diem?

Death has always been a tough topic for me, the thought that the beautiful soul of any person could be gone within the blink of an eye pains me beyond reason.
it's cruel, and unjust but i guess "that's life..."

Today was the day i had to do the hardest thing i have ever had to do, and it was for the best, i think. I know that it was the right thing to do, but i feel like it was the wrong thing to do and i feel that way solely for selfish reasoning...

now the sun is coming up and i find myself unable to sleep, scared to face the surprises the next day will bring.

please don't become a R.I.P...


beneath the rainbow of your peace.

I dreamed you were a cosmonaut
of the space between our chairs
And I was a cartographer
of the tangles in your hair

I sang the song that silence sings
It's the one that everybody knows, everybody knows
The song that silence sings
And this is how it goes

These looms that weave apocrypha
they're hanging from a strand
The dark and empty rooms were full
of incandescent hands

The awkward pause
The fatal flaw
Time, it's a crooked bow
Time is a crooked bow

In time you need to learn, to love
The ebb just like the flow
Grab hold of your bootstraps, and pull like hell
until gravity feels sorry for you, and lets you go
As if you lack the proper chemicals to know
the way it felt the last time you let yourself fall this low

Time's a crooked bow
Time's a crooked bow
Time, it's a crooked bow

Fifty-five and three-eighths years later
At the bottom of a gigantic crater
An armchair calls to you
Yeah, and armchair calls to you
It says, someday, we'll get back at them all
With epoxy and a pair of pliers
As ancient sea slugs begin to crawl
through the ragweed and barbed wire

You didn't write
You didn't call
It didn't cross your mind at all
Through the waves
waves of hay and straw
You couldn't feel a thing at all
Fifty-five and three-eighths
Fifty-five and three-eighths


-- Andrew Bird



when even your own friends underestimate your abilities, you only have yourself (and probably your mom) to view them as worthy.


so, this is the new year and i don't feel any different...

what a PERFECT start to 2009.

Israel declaring an "all out war" on Gaza
..it's terrible, the bombings of government buildings and civilians, killing hundreds of people. why? i'd say "free palestine", but picking a side in this issue seems like playing with a double edged sword. dangerous and pointless.

erm, almost heartbroken-ness.
resolution 1: stop facebook stalking, sometimes you will stumble upon things you really shouldn't see.
you know that sinking feeling inside of your body that is the unwelcome presence of a broken heart?

it's almost 7 am. i have yet to sleep, mascara running down my face, and a bubbling stomach, the result of settling alcohol.
i'm lying here between my bed frame without a mattress contemplating the good that came with the year 2008, what did i accomplish? how have i grown? changed?
I can't think of one single thing...
i'm weary of leading a life unlived. I always swore I would live life to the fullest, "carpe diem", leave no rock unturned, no cave unsearched?

apparently i'm failing? wait, no not apparently, I am failing. i have everything i could ever want or need, a good family, wealth, health, a level of physical decency, intelligence, talent.. yet i'm wasting it all.. but what for? days of sitting on the futon watching house, pining, and eating cheese.


making resolutions is so difficult for me, but i can try to implement change based on all that happened this past year...

Stop missing life changing moments. resolution 2: go for what I want in life, don't let the ever so controlling emotion of fear get in my way...

*january 1st 2009*

... my first full day in the year of 2009 filled with pitifulness. My feet are in deathly pain from 2 straight days of walking in 4 inch heels, I woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, i got drunk at my parents dinner party off green apple martinis, and I ended the day with a a bang by viewing my startlingly similar looking competition...

...really heartbreaking.
but, all or nothing at all. why waste time crying for something that might have been? yea i'm invested, but half of anything never appealed to me.

but fuck that, it's 2009, a new year with new resolutions, resolution 3: stop drinking so damn much, and new experiences. I don't want another meaningless 2008, i want to find love, i want to get sexy fit, i want to do well in school, i want to find direction...

i want to develop kalyah as kalyah was made to be.