So our conversation about Jeremy Lin and Barack Obama playing basketball got me thinking... how would you assemble an NBA team drawing only from a pool of US presidents? Well... I had some downtime at work and this is what I came up with:
T. Roosevelt, SG
George Washington, Point Guard
Every team needs a field-general, and as father of our country (and, you know, an actual field general), Washington is the perfect man to lead the team. First in war, first in peace, and first on the roster.
Weakness: Truthfully confesses every foul to the ref.
Teddy Roosevelt, Shooting Guard
An avid hunter, so we know he’s a reliable and accurate shooter. Can hit a 5-point shot (on deer only).
Ronald Reagan, Small Forward
Teams nowadays need an athletic wing-man who can drive to the basket. If Reagan is even half as good at slashing defenses as he was at slashing taxes, he’s got a spot on the team.
Weakness: Dementia makes remembering plays a challenge.
Abraham Lincoln, Power Forward
Possesses good height, as well as a bit of gracefulness. Probably has a veritable array of mid and low post moves, including a sweet hook shot. Dangerous offensive threat who can use his quickness to beat bigger guys, and his height to tower over the smaller guys. Serious mismatch.
Weakness: Needs to learn to keep his head on a swivel.
William Howard Taft, Center
The team is kind of small right now, and it really needs some beefcake to contend with more physical teams. Taft is a little short, but he can use his big body to wear other teams down. Kind of a Charles Barkley type of player.
Weakness: Easily distracted by the smell of arena hot-dogs and nachos.
Barack Obama, Point Guard
To have a good team, you need a good point guard who can pick out good passes, and distribute the ball to his teammates. While campaigning in 2008, Obama professed that he wanted to “spread it around a bit,” which some interpreted as a socialist plot, but I view as a willingness to pass the ball and get everyone involved on offense. Should lead the team in assists.
Weakness: Too worried about impressing fans... needs to go out there and just play his game.
Eisenhower, Shooting Guard
An all around defensive specialist, who can be expected to shut down opponents the way he shut down the German war machine in WW2. Defends the perimeter like he defended civil liberties in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Weakness: The military-industrial complex.
Gerald Ford, Small Forward/Power Forward
Kind of a utility man. Not really terrible at any thing, but not really good either. A former Division football player, Ford is picked mostly for his athleticism and his genuine team-spirit. Every team needs a good locker-room guy like this.
Weakness: “Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t (play basketball) and chew gum at the same time.”
Andrew Jackson, Power Forward/Center
Adds some more height and strength to the team. Has a nasty streak; he is willing to go out and goon it up if need be, hacking opposing big men and spending fouls. Seriously, a real bastard.
Weakness: Not a team player.
Just missed the cut
John F. Kennedy
NBA great Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with over 10,000 women. Over/under on JFK?
Weakness: Can’t win in Dallas.
George W. Bush
Miraculously won a second term, even after a disastrous first four years, so we know he’s good at rebounding.
Weakness: Low basketball IQ. Low everything IQ, actually.
James A. Garfield
Has some height (6’0”). Not afraid to take a shot.
Weakness: Not afraid to take a shot.
Not invited to tryouts
Jonny's GENIUS presidential basketball roster
the best Facebook post I've ever gotten in my life, from one of the coolest guys i know... monsieur jonny heb.