don't let the sun go down on me.

I always want more than i have, I'm never satisfied. I'm always striving for more...


what if there's nothing left for me to strive for? how far can i go?

...all i'm doing now is grabbing up, grasping air.

i like to ride bessy.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I found the most perfect bike for me EVER!.

A vintage red Schwinn Breeze, for only 60 dollars.
it's a beaut, and rides like a dream.

I rode her last night at 10,with a nice cool breeze, listening to Andrew Bird, and zooming past all the drunky-s going out on a friday night. i basically glided the entire way to the music building, best ride of my life. (HAHAHa!!)

I now claim ownership of a bike ridden by not only many people before me, but this sweet humanitarian girl who's graduating from MSU and going to teach English in Argentina.

so I must take care of it, i named her bessy. It is the first name that came to mind, and i think it fits! i took some pictures..

where were you during the naming of things?

I keep forgetting I have a blog.

It's really a pity, a crying shame because blogging is truly cathartic.
culminating my thoughts and emotions into one post that the entire world can see is thrilling! and humanizing...

Just took a quiz, for fun and i got Sylvia Plath as my soul sista?? what does this mean for my future? i don't think i'm as morbid as this quiz lets on, but the beginning bit is spot on. I'm a sucker for brilliant men. and come on i'm a pretty classy bitch.

the quiz "Which crazy bitch are you?" with the result Sylvia Plath.
You are one intense bitch. You are almost abnormally introspective but this is where your abundant creativity flows from. You love handsome, brilliant, creative genius types but you pay the price when their egos and lustful ways cause them to betray you. You are a very intelligent, classy lady with a black streak and can be very emotional at times. You do have a bit of a morbid side but your words often lead you to be misunderstood as a dark figure but that is just how you protect your soft mushy insides..

jesus, one of these brilliant boys are going to make me lose my MIND one day.

My university is in the NCAA finals for basketball.
i don't really know what that means for me.
other than gloating rights?
so GO GREEN?

omg, i just said: "it's not like i'll wake up tomorrow and stumble on to my future" in conversation about the prospect of marriage at my ripe age of 20.
//i just realized that really makes no sense out of context, but looking back one day. when i'm bored and am wondering what i was thinking when i was young and free i'll look at this update and burst into exuberant laughter, like, HOHOHOHEHAHO.

oOoOOOHHH oh my, i forgot to say I got an internship with the Michigan Democratic Party, i think i did at least.
i interviewed, then he gave me a tour, and then he introduced me as kalyah, "she'll be interning with us this summer".
I'll be doing communications, MY DREAM! working social networks(facebook, twitter, youtube etc), writing press releases following news threads, and general campaign things.
so wretchedly cool. ungh.

summer in lansing, michigan.
living the dream, yall.

masterfade

The narrative of my life for the past few weeks have been tough, it has this awful reoccurring theme...
death.
death of all kinds...

mysterious, expected, sudden, and swaying on the line between life and death.

is this a message? do i need to wake up and carpe diem?

Death has always been a tough topic for me, the thought that the beautiful soul of any person could be gone within the blink of an eye pains me beyond reason.
it's cruel, and unjust but i guess "that's life..."

Today was the day i had to do the hardest thing i have ever had to do, and it was for the best, i think. I know that it was the right thing to do, but i feel like it was the wrong thing to do and i feel that way solely for selfish reasoning...

now the sun is coming up and i find myself unable to sleep, scared to face the surprises the next day will bring.

R.I.P
R.I.P
R.I.P
please don't become a R.I.P...

beneath the rainbow of your peace.

I dreamed you were a cosmonaut
of the space between our chairs
And I was a cartographer
of the tangles in your hair

I sang the song that silence sings
It's the one that everybody knows, everybody knows
The song that silence sings
And this is how it goes

These looms that weave apocrypha
they're hanging from a strand
The dark and empty rooms were full
of incandescent hands

The awkward pause
The fatal flaw
Time, it's a crooked bow
Time is a crooked bow

In time you need to learn, to love
The ebb just like the flow
Grab hold of your bootstraps, and pull like hell
until gravity feels sorry for you, and lets you go
As if you lack the proper chemicals to know
the way it felt the last time you let yourself fall this low

Time's a crooked bow
Time's a crooked bow
Time, it's a crooked bow

Fifty-five and three-eighths years later
At the bottom of a gigantic crater
An armchair calls to you
Yeah, and armchair calls to you
It says, someday, we'll get back at them all
With epoxy and a pair of pliers
As ancient sea slugs begin to crawl
through the ragweed and barbed wire

You didn't write
You didn't call
It didn't cross your mind at all
Through the waves
waves of hay and straw
You couldn't feel a thing at all
Fifty-five and three-eighths
Time
Fifty-five and three-eighths
Time

Time.

-Armchairs
-- Andrew Bird

enemies.

when even your own friends underestimate your abilities, you only have yourself (and probably your mom) to view them as worthy.

so, this is the new year and i don't feel any different...

what a PERFECT start to 2009.

Israel declaring an "all out war" on Gaza
..it's terrible, the bombings of government buildings and civilians, killing hundreds of people. why? i'd say "free palestine", but picking a side in this issue seems like playing with a double edged sword. dangerous and pointless.

erm, almost heartbroken-ness.
resolution 1: stop facebook stalking, sometimes you will stumble upon things you really shouldn't see.
you know that sinking feeling inside of your body that is the unwelcome presence of a broken heart?

it's almost 7 am. i have yet to sleep, mascara running down my face, and a bubbling stomach, the result of settling alcohol.
i'm lying here between my bed frame without a mattress contemplating the good that came with the year 2008, what did i accomplish? how have i grown? changed?
I can't think of one single thing...
i'm weary of leading a life unlived. I always swore I would live life to the fullest, "carpe diem", leave no rock unturned, no cave unsearched?

apparently i'm failing? wait, no not apparently, I am failing. i have everything i could ever want or need, a good family, wealth, health, a level of physical decency, intelligence, talent.. yet i'm wasting it all.. but what for? days of sitting on the futon watching house, pining, and eating cheese.

exactly.

making resolutions is so difficult for me, but i can try to implement change based on all that happened this past year...

Stop missing life changing moments. resolution 2: go for what I want in life, don't let the ever so controlling emotion of fear get in my way...

*january 1st 2009*

... my first full day in the year of 2009 filled with pitifulness. My feet are in deathly pain from 2 straight days of walking in 4 inch heels, I woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, i got drunk at my parents dinner party off green apple martinis, and I ended the day with a a bang by viewing my startlingly similar looking competition...

...really heartbreaking.
but, all or nothing at all. why waste time crying for something that might have been? yea i'm invested, but half of anything never appealed to me.

but fuck that, it's 2009, a new year with new resolutions, resolution 3: stop drinking so damn much, and new experiences. I don't want another meaningless 2008, i want to find love, i want to get sexy fit, i want to do well in school, i want to find direction...

i want to develop kalyah as kalyah was made to be.
//corny.