so, this is the new year and i don't feel any different...

what a PERFECT start to 2009.

Israel declaring an "all out war" on Gaza
..it's terrible, the bombings of government buildings and civilians, killing hundreds of people. why? i'd say "free palestine", but picking a side in this issue seems like playing with a double edged sword. dangerous and pointless.

erm, almost heartbroken-ness.
resolution 1: stop facebook stalking, sometimes you will stumble upon things you really shouldn't see.
you know that sinking feeling inside of your body that is the unwelcome presence of a broken heart?

it's almost 7 am. i have yet to sleep, mascara running down my face, and a bubbling stomach, the result of settling alcohol.
i'm lying here between my bed frame without a mattress contemplating the good that came with the year 2008, what did i accomplish? how have i grown? changed?
I can't think of one single thing...
i'm weary of leading a life unlived. I always swore I would live life to the fullest, "carpe diem", leave no rock unturned, no cave unsearched?

apparently i'm failing? wait, no not apparently, I am failing. i have everything i could ever want or need, a good family, wealth, health, a level of physical decency, intelligence, talent.. yet i'm wasting it all.. but what for? days of sitting on the futon watching house, pining, and eating cheese.

exactly.

making resolutions is so difficult for me, but i can try to implement change based on all that happened this past year...

Stop missing life changing moments. resolution 2: go for what I want in life, don't let the ever so controlling emotion of fear get in my way...

*january 1st 2009*

... my first full day in the year of 2009 filled with pitifulness. My feet are in deathly pain from 2 straight days of walking in 4 inch heels, I woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, i got drunk at my parents dinner party off green apple martinis, and I ended the day with a a bang by viewing my startlingly similar looking competition...

...really heartbreaking.
but, all or nothing at all. why waste time crying for something that might have been? yea i'm invested, but half of anything never appealed to me.

but fuck that, it's 2009, a new year with new resolutions, resolution 3: stop drinking so damn much, and new experiences. I don't want another meaningless 2008, i want to find love, i want to get sexy fit, i want to do well in school, i want to find direction...

i want to develop kalyah as kalyah was made to be.
//corny.

time was invented by those who do not know how to love...

The Guitar

It begins, the lament
of the guitar.
The wineglass of dawn
is broken.
It begins, the lament
of the guitar.
It’s useless to silence it.
Impossible
to silence it.
It cries monotonously
as the water cries,
as the wind cries
over the snow.
Impossible
to silence it.
It cries for
distant things.
Sands of the hot South
that demand white camellias.
It cries arrows with no targets,
evening with no morning,
and the first dead bird
on the branch.
Oh, the guitar!
Heart wounded deep
by five swords.

-Lorca.

my friend and fellow blogger, wilhelmina (http://margotvellocet.blogspot.com/), brought this poem to my attention. She said it reminded her of my favorite painting, the old guitarist by Picasso. I agree, though my feelings on it are so deeply imbedded in my own passions that it essentially takes on a different meaning.

eternal devotion to music.

that even at the brink of death, at the point of destitution, music will forever remain.

AGH!! beautiful.

in the wee small hours of the morning.

"In the wee small hours of the morning
While the whole wide world is fast asleep
You lie awake and think about the girl
And never ever think of counting sheep

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
Youd be hers if only she would call
In the wee small hours of the morning
Thats the time you miss her most of all"
-frank sinatra

it sucks.
my reactions to my actions are always anticipated, thought out by the second.
when it gets down to it, i fail.
i want this more then ever, but too much is at stake.
for me.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I'm an ENFp, so concentrated on being liked, emotional and so outgoing. From this i get stuck in a sort of catch-22. I can say anything to anyone in any situation, but when it comes to my feelings and "love"
i'm hopeless.

i feel like i'm in some messed up movie, but the chances that my ending will be happy is slim to none.
...i have just 3 hours.

"breathe, breathe, keep breathing"


i'm still so highschool, but do you ever grow out of that?

i wish that people with closed minds could keep their mouths shut

all this suppressed hate that is shining through all these people i used to call friends is making me feel sick beyond belief.
...but those people who are shouting all these closed minded stupid things are in the minority, right?

and my GOD the amount of stupid people in this country:
bashing obama for not doing anything for the economy "two days into his presidency" does anybody realize that bush is STILL the president, that obama isn't inaugurated until january... yea.
oh. and if you fear "socialism" (which you so wrongly think Obama is going to implement) so much, maybe europe isn't the place for you, nor canada. how about uzbekistan?

oh, and p.s. this country was already going to shit, no thanks to the conservative idiots roaming around washington.
when things don't work out for you one way, what do you do? change the way you do things, try something new.. in hopes this change will reap better results.

STOP BITCHING, holy shit i'm losing my mind.

OBAMA IS MY PRESIDENT!

tonight's the night.
the night where history is revolutionized.
BARACK OBAMA IS NOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ON THIS: November 5, 2008.
... an uncertain journey leading to an even more uncertain outcome.
BUT WE DID IT!
holy shit. it like still hasn't sunk in yet.
all my qualms about becoming a citizen has been thrown out the window, i want to call obama MY president.
I haven't felt this way since November 5, 2000 when i believed Algore was going to be president, and i was excited about my move to America.

I wanted to immortalize my feelings at this very moment, but i don't know what to say, or how to say it. I'm beyond belief happy?
I've been with him for 2 years, following his campaign. volunteering, trying to do my part to make him president without the ability to vote.

... i guess i can describe how i felt when i saw that he won, if i can even describe the feeling...
I saw the picture projected on CNN and my heart exploded, i screamed. i smiled, i lost my breath, i hugged everyone around me, i was speechless...the only sound to leave my mouth were squeals of excitement.
all these moments from the past 2 years passed through my mind, accompanied by thoughts of the future...

anticipated reactions., described perfectly in this moment.

i am so sick of all this continued anti-obama slander, no he isn't a terrorist, no he is not "shady", he is an american who loves this country as much as the next person.

...he is America's president!

i feel.... euphoria

I am so happy.

i have always been meant for the stage, nothing has changed.

"I was meant for the stage,
I was meant for the curtain.
I was meant to tread these boards,
Of this much i am certain.

I was meant for the crowd,
I was meant for the shouting.
I was meant to raise these hands
With quiet all about me. oh, oh.

Mother, please, be proud.
Father, be forgiven.
Even though you told me
'Son, you'll never make a living.' oh, oh.

From the floorboards to the fly,
Here I was fated to reside.
And as I take my final bow,
Was there ever any doubt?
And as the spotlights fade away,
And you're escorted through the foyer,
You will resume your callow ways,
But I was meant for the stage.

The heavens at my birth
Intended me for stardom,
Rays of light shone down on me
And all my sins were pardoned.

I was meant for applause.
I was meant for derision.
Nothing short of fate itself
Has affected my decision. oh, oh.

From the floorboards to the fly,
here i was fated to reside.
And as I take my final bow,
Was there ever any doubt?
And as the spotlights fade away,
And you're escorted through the foyer,
You will resume your callow ways,
But I was meant for the stage."

-I was Meant for the Stage
The Decemberists.

probably my favorite song.

... I'm auditioning for the music school, taking some control of my life.
there will DEFINITELY be some repercussions, oh well... it's SO worth it.

i wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile.

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
i don't deal well, at all.
it's about 4 a.m. although this post probably won't state that.
i have sat here listening to every sad song on my itunes and now i have an indentation on my right hand from my jacket zipper...
what the hell?

honestly.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
words don't come out well for me at times like this. Kate Nash's song, The Nicest thing.
my feelings exactly...
except not. at all.
it's longing, like one of my favorite quotes by william shakespeare: "i have immortal longings in me"
these immortal longings keep me up till the sun rises without any of my homework done.
this fixation i get on things isn't very healthy, and it's not even about love, or lack there of, these longings i have cover a range of things in my life.

my blog is so depressing, what happened to those days when i used to talk about topics of general interest, when my blog was blatantly NOT my personal diary.
I make all my personal sentiments very public, i wonder what the public thinks of me?
here is a VERY unstable girl?

I'M NOT!!!
i'm soo happy, i love life. Everyday is an adventure and loads of fun, i see new things and meet new people everyday. i love it, it's wonderful.
work's super cool. i mean i feel cool working, even though i don't really feel like i can be myself there. for i am a tad bit too rambunctious for the admin building. it's cool. I dress smarmy, in my oversized glasses, sweater vests and my abundance of cardigans. OOO and my loafers, yum.

here's something of substance that i can discuss, I was reading about race today for my anthropology class.
i mean, before i read that race is a social construct, but this essay took that notion to a deeper level and talked about the breakup of races, and how these breakdowns are ridiculously inaccurate and are a terrible way to group people, since they leave out quite a few groups of people, like the aboriginal people in australia. we group people into races by their skin color, but in actuality we could group people by weight, height, even hair color.

imagine if you were a in a race of people based on your height, and when you were applying for a job or doing the SAT you had to mark down, short average or tall? What if instead of the color race, back in the days of colonization and migration instead of grouping people by black, white, or yellow, and subjecting certain groups to certain "activities", they had all tall people be slaves, all short people in positions of power over the tall?

.. hmm can't imagine that.

maybe grouping people by eye color would be a more interesting construct.

i mean, i dunnno. i was captivated.

i had 4 cups of coffee around 11 o'clock. yeah..

it is now 4:23 a.m
only the second week of school and my lazy ass is already pulling all nighters.
hah.